What's left of me?

Those pictures. I envy them. I do. I really am. I cannot tell you how much or how I have had always wanted to be part of their lives. But it’s just a dream I held inside of my head. No matter how I always want it I never get the chance. WHY? The questions flustered in my mind. The answer is. I DON’T KNOW. In fact, I don’t even know why I really wanted to be a part of them. Maybe there’s something about them makes me feel like useful. But who knows exactly how I feel? I don’t. When I looked at the picture again, I felt something missing in me. Sting of jealousy strike through my veins and I feel the pain and I’ve been feeling this since forever. I’m afraid. I’m always afraid to tell how I feel about certain things that I’m sure in my life. Don’t bother asking me why because I don’t even know the answer. 

So, with things that I desire never will ever come true. I begin to hate for whatever I desire of. Just the thought of seeing how fun all of them had together and how lovely they were and together with the memories they had. I almost cry inside out of my heart. You don’t know how it feels when all the one you love doesn’t love you back. It’s hurt deep inside. You may see me smiling, laughing and happy but deep down....it’s just the way of telling you that I’m in misery. That’s how I try to get better each day in my life. Do you know exactly how I feel when all things going to be just the same????? I sigh a lot. And every step I’m taking I wish I will find someone who can makes me feel better. And every step I’m heading to class, you don’t know how nervous I have been. I believe you would have judge me as arrogant and whatever tickles your fancy. But you don’t know how I felt when I had to head alone to classes. 

Scared. I’m afraid of what people may think about me. I might seem to care less but the truth is. I care a lot. I do want people think of me nicely.

For what things happened before, I regret it. Really. I couldn’t help myself. I always wanted to tell you this. If you ever had a problem with me, face me. And if you do face me. Face me wisely. Talk to me and treat me as I am a human being. Don’t run to me and curse me out of your lungs because I believe that you don’t want to hear me cursing back at you. Just face me. I don’t bite. I’m harmless. Don’t talk behind my back because I hate it and I couldn’t be bothered. So, I insists face me.

Fahamilah, saya juga mempunyai perasaan. 

Written by,

Ardent02